16 candles
here we are with 16 candles
After 48 cakes
Some bought
And
Some baked
by me...
Mind you,
Let’s not kid
They’ve been mostly bought
You had the Percy Jackson cake
The ballerina Barbie & rainbow boom box.
There was the engineering triumph of the Alice in wonderland cake
And Samuels treasure chest filled with candy coins
Again
And again
And again
And then
Just the once more
Again
Coz he never could get enough of that one.
Here we are
after all of the parties
Each on more elaborate and extravagant than the last
Until that was, you became too cool for the parties your father & I wanted
It’s been 16 years since a stranger at the supermarket warned me that it would fly past in a heartbeat
Your childhoods
& I laughed coz of course we would be different
Your childhoods would linger like a Leonard Cohen love song
And yet
Here I am in the supermarket
Buying cake decorations for your birthday
As I recall her words,
16 years and just one heartbeat later
Here we are after
All those visits to the emergency ward
When tallulah fell out of the fig tree
And Gidon,
(That was back when his name was Gidon)
In traumatized solidarity Climbed straight up that fig tree and jumped of the same branch
Because he wanted to take it away
Some of her pain.
There was the time when Gidon got blood poisoning from a bee sting.
Like really
Who gets blood poisoning from a bee sting
And also
The time when Gidon was showing Sammy his pacor tricks
And he slipped on black ice.
Why does it feel like it was mostly Gidon being prone to accident?
Mind you,
There was that other time
When Samuels skull cracked open
And,
We the doctor cleaned out the wound Gidon cried,
“Stop, his dreams will fall out of his head.”
Coz that was at the age when you worried about things like dreams getting lost.
Also
All those times in Clifton,
When you were just three premature squiggles
And
It felt like I drove every night
Over the neck to the emergency ward at the cape medical-clinic
Once
When Samuel stopped breathing coz his lungs weren’t properly formed
And
I watched in terror as the pediatrician cut the baby grown off him
Exposing his emancipated little chest
which was literally blue.
And that night I thought
Thank heavens well never have to go through anything like that again.
Except
Then there was
Once with a virus with lungs full of pneumonia
And once
When tallulah got dehydrated from a stomach bug.
But that was the first year
when I naively bargained with G-d that if you made it through the first winter
I would never worry about you again.
What did I know then?
About teenagers driving in the snow.
Do you remember?
All the midnight feasts
With Samuel making you
Hamburgers
And pasta
And Dutch pancakes
And me the next morning
Yelling about dishes not washed.
It seems like I’m constantly bitching about dishes not washed,
Chores not done and homework not completed.
Except
In the end,
You won’t remember the chores or the homework,
You’ll remember the midnight feasts
You’ll remember Samuels Dutch pancakes
Besides
As david Bowie said
“If you have to go to school, remember how they messed up this old fool.”
Don’t ever forget the heartless arguments at the Friday night dinner ya or
About
Christopher Columbus,
Gender,
Race,
Religion,
veganism,
The importance of civil disobedience
And God.
Screaming,
Fists pounding on the table
Heated arguments
As you’ve developed your ideals
Stuck uncompromisingly to the true north of your moral compass
And reminded us of ours.
Idealistically
Morally,
And otherwise.
Have I told you?
How much I admire it
The true north of your morality and
Your idealism
Do you want me know how many times I’ve thanked the gods of romance for the great love I have with your father
Becoz you have made it clear
That in the end
You are your own impenetrable entity
Like that time tallulah found out that Samuel had told me first about wanting to change schools
And I heard her
At the jungle gym
Shouting
“You told her before me?
You told her before me! But I’ve known you for longer than her. I’ve known you since before you were born.”
But in the end
Your fierce devotion is one of the things I admire most about you.
Your fierce devotion
And individuality
And kindness
Above all
I admire your kindness
Parenting you has given me a profound sense of miracle and wonder
Like when Samuel miraculously got his black belt at tae Kwando
Even though he smiled with delirious joy at every opponent
Wonder at the miracle of mickeys song writing
And tallulahs voice
So many times I’ve thought
Where did it come from
All this talent
Certainly not from me
Perhaps they hatched from a pod
Except you didn’t
And I would know because I was there
That summer morning in 2005
When you came tumbling six weeks early out of my womb
Have I told you these last 16 years how I admire your kindness?
Creativity
Generosity
And also
Have I told you that I think you are way cool.
I know you haven’t forgotten all the times I’ve embarrassed you
With my ‘visits to school’ to confront teachers who I didn’t think ‘got you.’
Like that time after I stormed into the rabbis office
And your dad said to tallulah,
“Was it bad?”
And she said,
“You know when she does the aggressive thing with her hand? It was like that.”
But I hope also
You don’t forget all the other teachers
and the times I have wept with gratitude
At how they ‘got you’ in ways I never could.
Do you know how many times I have marveled in awe at your life grasping, brave exuberance
You see
You forget
It takes courage to leave school and
shlep around Europe for months
It takes courage to emigrate when you’re a teenager
Are you aware?
Of how many times I check life 360
When you walk just down the road to have ice cream with your friends at the local diner.
And also
Have I mentioned that if you weren’t my children
And
If I’d been at school with you
You would have been the cool kids
And I would have been the unpopular girl who chased you around the playground
Begging to be your friend
Except
Even if you weren’t my children
And even if we were at school together
I believe you would have included me
Becoz
You’re more kind than you are cool.
Well,
Your kindness is your cool.
Have i mentioned to you?
How kind you are.
remember All the friends
Sleeping on the couch
The floor
The Dojang
And that one time
When one of your friends woke up scared and climbed into the bed with your father and me.
And now,
Here we are
In an old house is New York
With a cheap princes ice cream cake
A smash cake
And a gender neutral smash cake
Celebrating your 16th birthday
But also thanking you
Becoz
Sixteen million trillion times over the last five thousand, eight hundred and forty days you have made me laugh with all of my being
And
As my own father always said,
Or perhaps it was my mother.
“If you can smile you can get through anything.”
So here’s to you
My sweet sixteen triplets